ang sakit magparaya.

pigilan ang sariling lumaban.

huwag umimik kung nasasaktan.

ang sakit magparaya.

nagising na lang ako isang umaga.

hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko.

ginagawa ko ang mga bagay na hindi ko alam ang pinatutunguhan.

-a sad night-

crash and burn i may fall

crash and burn i may die

but tomorrow would be different.

i'll have you then.

all you.

nothing more than waht you are.

what you really are.

iniisip ko n lang na darating ang araw na magiging maayos ang lahat.

na matutunana mo ring buksan ang sarili mo para mahalin mo ako ng totoo.

walang pagaalinlangan at walang pagiisip.

mahalin mo lang ako, okay na ako.

sa ngayon ako muna.

kaya ko pa naman eh.

IBALIK ANG SUPERBOINK!!!!!!!

I miss this cartoon.

Fave ko to dati eh.

Back when I was still a little kid, eto pinapanood ko. The only reason why I fell inlove with this is that its not the typical superhero vs. villain type of cartoon.

From a normal teenage girl, nagiging SUPERBOINK siya. Isang baboy na maliit na kulay pink. ahahaha. Very defferent from the others. Yung iba kasi pag nagtransform gumaganda ang hero, magarbo ang costume. Pero si SUPERBOINK hindi. Ang lupit. Nagiging baboy siya.

MABUHAY SI SUPERBOINK!

IBALIK ANG SUPERBOINK at gawing isang series. ay wag na lang. magre-run na lang.
ahahahaha.

ASAN KA MOE?

KAILANGAN KITA.

NAALALA KO IKAW LANG ANG TANGING NAKAINTINDI SA AKIN NG MGA PANAHONG GANITO ANG NARARAMDAMAN KO.

TULUNGAN MO AKO.

... There he is. Peacefully sleeping under his unconsciousness while I starve for his stare and the sweetness of his kiss.


I watch him breathe like a baby in a crib.
I listen to his breath like a lullaby in the night.


Its late now, and I should be sleeping now.


But I don't want to.
I want to keep staring at his serenity.


His lips are pouted and his eyes are shut.


How wonderful this moment is....
How wonderful my life is with my man....

this feeling....


this feeling is just too strong

too strong that its starting to scare me

....again

ESCAPIST


It was an empty street. Perhaps because of the rain that madly falls from the reddish sky on a lazy Monday night. He stood there watching the water as it drains down the manhole. He puffs his cigarette and just take every smoke into his lungs. Puffing in, puffing out. Slowly, he rested on that shed. Listening to every bit of voice sounding in his head. In just a second, he was dragged into yet again another escapade beyond the reality he is with.

◙◙◙

Powdery sand of the shore, chirping birds on the trees and the harmonizing sound of the waves crashing relentlessly on his feet--- its so beyond where he is yet he feels so there. He walked across the shore while a sunset is performing enthusiastically on the horizon. It tickled his bliss and he watched it until its done.

He sat on the bench, just beside the tree. Grabbed a beer and plunged down to the resting minutes of escapism. He let the cool breeze of that evening serenade his mind. He chilled to the majestic sound of the waves by dark and sleep with the lullabies of never-ending fantasy.

◙◙◙

Just like any other fantasy that has never become so vivid, reality has grabbed him by his arms and brought him back to where he should be.

The deceitful rain had stopped, no more water draining down the manhole and ashes from the cigarette are all over his pants. He painted a smile on his face, grabbed his bag and started walking.

BY YOUR SIDE

Lights were splendid. Music was playing. I don't know what's the occasion about but certainly there was a celebration. People were loud and they were all drunk dancing. I stayed in the entrance looking for one familiar face. Looked to the left then looked to right, can't seem to find the face that I would want to see.

Finally, I saw what I've been wanting to see. And there you were laughing with your friends. You were wearing that shirt you wore last night. You looked good in it. And I could smell from a far the sweet scent of your skin from that last embrace we had. I tasted my lips and there was the sugary taste of yours. I moved closer so you could somehow see me and be with me for the rest of that night. But I failed to lose distance from you when you walked away without even looking back. I ran after you, screaming your name. You didn't look back. You went on walking. Then on a busy street I finally caught up on you. I held your arms so tight to pull you back. You looked at me and asked me to go back where I've been. You pulled away. With that sarcastic smile and laugh at your face. Flabbergasted, I stayed in that spot. Feeling heavy and couldn't utter more. I was hurt. Deeply hurt. I closed my eyes and let every tear fall.

As I opened it, I heard a sound of an alarm clock. A singing kid woke me up from my sleep. Stunned, I rolled my eyes around the room. Still remembering that really awful dream. Yes, it was just a dream. A personification of my mind's delusional worries. But the room was poignant. Probably because of that dream.

It felt warm on the other side of the bed. I turned to it and saw you there. You were there beside me, with the funny snore that I make fun of. You've been sleeping. You've been with me through the night. How dare me to forget that you were with me.I carefully slid my hand onto yours trying hard not to wake you up. I held a grip and slowly leaned my head near yours. And at that moment, I could not be any happier. I felt safe. I felt warm. And I feel the reality that has beaten a fantasy.

Now I know why you asked me to go back. Its to go back to where I could be much happier than even in my dreams---By your side.

SOCIETY'S DISEASE



It was around three o'clock in the afternoon when I went online to check my mails. Much to my surprise Cindy, a good friend of mine back in college was online too. After I "buzzed" her, the chat went on and on.

She's not happy. That's the bottom line. After taking up a four-year course and crash courses in music, she complains about her work. She's a call center agent. I was not surprise, a lot of my high-school acquaintances have ventured on that industry that aren't happy as well. When I asked her why she isn't happy, she only needed to say the right few words.... "THIS IS NOT MY PASSION."

Financial constraints. Most probably, this is the reason why most people specially the younger aged bracket are very much interested in working in the call-center industry. After all, they are the predominant target market of such industries. Who wouldn't want a high salary? These industries offer such high compensations for their employees which technically mobilizes the growth of call centers in the country. About a month ago, I passed by Baclaran, and was stunned to see the billboard of a call center company filled with three phrases. But the one that really made a recall to me was the line "GREAT PAY". Even I was enticed by that copy. In the economic status that the country is going through today, who wouldn't want a great pay? We all do. But the mere fact that the billboard promotes the company's ability to "pay you good" and considering the hype of it at this point in time, that only goes to show and justifies the lowness of the society. They seem like talking to a dumb money-sucking society. Eventually, those people who are bent down in their blue collar-jobs and the students who are supposed to be at school and educating themselves are so enticed. The result? The booming industry of call centers.

The seemingly-iconic lifetyle of call center agents. When you roam around the places of Libi's, Malate, Greenbelt and other places that used to be leisure haven for upper market, you see lots of young people. Most of them are call center agents. I remeber bumping into an acquaintance, we had a little talk while we were standing in front of a mall. She looked very different. She used to be a nobody in school but seeing her in her glittery make-up and nice set of clothes she could strut a photoshoot at that moment. She works for a call center company and she tells me proudly the different bars she's hopped on. She enjoys the night-life-- getting drunk, partying, socializing. Good for her. Atleast she's exploring. Hehehe. Most of the call center agents I know have one commonality. Its their lifestyle. And its amazing how I can easily identify agents just by how they look like and how they speak. But the point is this--- We live in the society where everyday of our lives, we get to have atleast a pinch of poverty and everyday we see how hard it is to live in a nearly-jeopardized economy. And because of these circumstances, people are more encourged to answer calls from irate customers just so they could live a much comfortable life. It is a wealthy industry. So wealthy that they could make you live you like a superstar.

I sympathize for my friend Cindy, not only because she was just dragged into working in that industry for some reasons but also for her passion. Everything that is not nourished could possibly be gone. Among the thousands of agents answering calls everyday, how many of them are great artists? how many of them have greater skills than just speaking "hello good morning this is..."? The truth is? There are alot of them. And Cindy is one of them. But this industry is slowly becoming a temple of desperation.

As long as the economy is catching its breath to survive, people could still turn their backs on their passion and drive on the fast lane where regrets could be met somewhere. And i foresee it as a step by step process to becoming a stigma.

The bottom line is that we all want a comfortable life with absolutely no shortcomings.

HAPPY!

I just got in touch with my old friends and we are all happy. Amazing. Its so surreal how at one point in our lives everyone is celebrating. This is way better than splurging on some sweet chocolates. Hahahaha.

Grace, is now a branch manager of a food chain, Pam has just been appointed as a company nurse after passing the board, khaye is finally graduating and will start to hunt for job, Pao is currently working in ASIAN HOSPITAL in Muntinlupa and I am happy working now in the field where I really want to be, and Joanna is now a part of a Tourism agency after finishing college.

Walang sawang gala na ito. Hahahaha!
Planuhin na ang mga outing!

Ahahaha!

SOUL SEARCHING



1. How are you?
I think I'm fine.

2. Are you happy now?
Sa ibang aspeto ng buhay oo, pero sa iba hindi.

3. Bakit?
Ewan ko. I think its because of something I couldn't figure out.

4. Any big plans ahead?
Not that big. But I'm finally moving out of our home. Live independently.

5. Have you thought about that decision?
Yeah. Its for the good.

6. What do you wanna do now?
Sleep. O kaya kumain.

7. Something that makes you upset right now?
Yeah. My belly. Tumataba na ako. And I'm sitting here na ipit ang tiyan.

8.Do you feel pressured?
Yeah. Sobra.

9. Are you handling things well in your life?
I'm in control right now. But i foresee loosing it someday. Feeling ko hindi ko kakayanin.

10. What makes you happy.?
Mornings.

11. Who makes you happy?
As of now si Buddha talaga.

12. If there's something you wanna do that could release your tensions, what would that be?
Sagada. Gusto ko pumunta dun, and wake up in the cold breeze. Haaay.

13. Are you happy the way you are?
OO. kung one sided. Pero kung may kasma nang ibang tao. medyo na lang ata.

14. Do you feel good abut yourself.
Yeah.

15. Why did you choose to make this post?
Ewan ko nga eh. Naisipn ko lang.

16. Greatest fear as of now?
Loosing control. Ayoko, I want to get hold of everything.

17. Greatest achievement?
Finally settling down into something I've always been needing.

18. Happy?
Natanong na to ha? OO. masaya

19.Are you sure?
Yeah.

20. What do you tell the world when you wake up?
"Toady is going to be the best day of my life"

SAIL ON. GO ON.


I've said it. Its here now. And there's no going back. I've dragged my boat off the shore, and start sailing on the calm sea that's full of mere mysteries and uncertainties.

I chose to dwell on on this journey rather than than letting time pass me by until I get to where I wan to be. The whole situation is quite vivid, but not as vivid as I would want to see it. My heart has spoken and it has shattered all the fears I've had for the past times. I feel stronger. I feel invincible and I feel good. I am happy. Finally, I've found more reason to be happy.


A man with a non-juvenile mind and a very innocent heart. That' how I always refer to myself. My heart is fragile. My heart is sensitive. Every person's heart is. Yesterdays were rough. I've agonized worse than I could possibly bear. But today is different. I feel different. I see nothing else but the genuine joy in my heart. I feel liberated and I feel enticed by all the love I feel.

Every sound is a music that serenades my soul, every flower blooms like it's spring time and every sunrise rises to grace new mornings. I finally took this risk.

The journey had begun, the sea seems calm for now, but I know it won't be soon. Nevertheless, I am happy I took sail to get beyond that horizon. I am finally reviving the lost serenity of my innocent heart.

KAIBIGAN


ISANG GABING NATANGGAP KO ANG EMAIL NG KAIBIGAN KO. Hindi ko inaasahang mapagaan noon ang loob ko.

Madalas kaming mag-email ni Deng. Isang kaibigan mula pa nung hi-school.

Sa email ko sa kanya, nakisimpatiya ako sa kanya sa mga nangyayari sa buhay niya. TWIN SOUL talaga kami. Pareho kaming dalawa, may mga sentimiyentng hindi maintindihan kahit ng mga sarili namin.

Sinabi ko kay deng ang isang malaking problemang hinaharap ko--- ang sarili ko.

Sa haba ng email namin sa isa't isa, isang bagay lang ang kinailngan kong marinig mula sa kanya.



" Sana magkausap na tayo in person. Abot dito ung kalungkutan mo at frustration sa kalagayan mo. Hindi ko alam kung paano ka i-comfort. Sana sapat nang malaman mo na nandito lang ako."

I've never needed a savior, I've always needed someone na makakasama ko sa pagharap sa mga di maintindihang sitwasyon sa buhay ko.

MARAMING MARAMING SALAMAT DENG...

WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING


In the stillness of that night,
where silence speaks louder than my mind,
I see a glimpse of what I used to have.
And I see it there in your face, while you were sleeping.

Time ticks, yet I remained still.
glazing upon your shut eyes,
listening to your every breath
and smiling on that moment.

Then my eyes wandered down your hand,
and there's mine locked in your palm.
I feel a feeling of what I used to have.
A mere bliss, and its all there is.

I stayed awhile and let myself speak,
through my mind I uttered my words.
With you asleep and I, awake.
I've said everything while you were sleeping.

I moved closer to feel your warmth,
leaned my head upon your arms.
And slowly I closed my eyes,
and wished that there be more nights to watch you sleeping.

Got nothing to do.

Feeling bored.

Feeling super-duper bored.

Unemployed up to this point.

Loving the tambay life.

Gaining pounds after pounds.

Wow.

Where's dignity in this life?

hahaha!

-TIME TO LET GO-

I hear nothing but silence in the middle of this night. Again and again, I sit in front of this computer trying to figure out what to post in this blog. Yes, its quite a challenge to squeeze out what I really want to say sometimes. Feelings could be so overwhelming that there are just no words to describe it.

Yesterday, I was dragged into another epiphany. Reality could hit you really hard sometimes when you least expect it. And in just a snap, the roads are turned. Simple situations could often lead into a huge decision-making position. And it demands abruptness that you get too pressured. But what really surprises me is that it was easier for me to weigh all the odds and its all evident. Guess all this time, I've had the real answers that I have been looking for, I only refuse to sink it in.

YOU CAN LIE TO YOURSELF, BUT YOU CAN NEVER MAKE YOURSELF BELIEVE THAT LIE. Yes! Finally, I've learned the lesson of the situation that I've been dealing for the past couple of months. All the signs were given, and all I had to do was to translate on it but I chose not to, because I preferred to dwell on the mere lies that subconsciously, I was pushing myself to believe in. And all that's coming to me now are the wasted times that I threw. I held on for this for so long, so long that I did not realize that my life had stopped. I drowned in this deception and now I'm catching breath to fill me in again. Had i known that there's no valid for holding on, I wouldn't have taken the first grip at all. Its pointless after all.

And now I'm letting it all go. Come what may from loosing this grip. I guess its about time that I put some directions in this vague aspect of my life. The inevitable truth always lives. And it will always prevail at the end of everyday.

-RECOLLECTION 2-


The moon peaks out tonight and I can't help but dwell on the loneliness of the night. An endless puffing of cigarettes. with a pinch of pain from failed goals, distorted thoughts and wishful dreaming, I guess this is indeed one poignant evening.

Lately, I've been drowning in my dreams. Dreams that are elusive and most probably can't come true. They elude my daily thoughts. Its too sweet for an innocent taste yet so hurtful for an overly-exeperienced heart. They entice the momentum of every rushing thought and I sit all the time indulging myself with its great deception. An as time ticks, the further I walk and yet again get lost in the wilderness of my rumbled mind.

I spent the last several minutes trying to get into every deatil on where have i gone wrong, where I must have committed a mistake and where have i been overlooking things. As expected, after tons of gruelling minutes, I still couldn't seem to figure out the right answers that I was looking for. I don't need any precision for now, I just need at least something that I could hold on to, I need a reason why I keep doing the same thing over and over again and more imporatantly why I keep failing at it. I play this game so well, at least thats how i see myself. But the scoreboards never lie and they tell me the brutal honesty that I am such a lowlife-looser. Three to zero. That's what it says. And night after night, even if there's an absolute absence of the moon, I find myself caught in the failures' lane. This game is a harsh game. No rules are set and no boundaries are built. You set your own rules and distinguish you own boundaries... which is pretty hard for someone like me-- a person who loves breaking rules now dying to make one for himself. So ironic. Though the victory for now seems less-vivid than ever, I take time to learn at least the heres and gos of this situatiuon. Imagine a kid trying to fit himself in a well-rounded world of perfection. Thats the impossibility I'm trying to interconnect somehow. Seriously, there's no possible way I could this. Im not brave enough to take the risk, even if I am, I am afraid I have the warrior's stamina to withstand the consequence that I might face.

And there goes the moon. Dancing with the stars in the darkness of that dancefloor. I wish everything is as easy as the changing of night to day and day to night. Though a lot of things has to happen first before a day turns into night at least everything is subtle and non-noticeable.

RECOLLECTION



Three-week old sheets and an awful-smelling pillow covers, I was dragged into an epiphany that maybe, just maybe, I have to clean up my room. But somehow, I can't seem to find the energy to get myself working. I know its going to be a lot of work. But I have to, I'd be gone for three days and I wouldn't want roaches and crawling insects to be welcoming me when I get home. After all, it’s my room, my one and only haven in the world.

As I raid through my closet, I saw lots of old clothes that I used to wear. I remember some of them being my favorites and some just didn't make the cut. I thought of giving them away but somehow I don't feel like doing so. I felt like those clothes defined some aspects of me way back in the days where all I know is to dress up and cover up myself. I saw my favorite polo, the one that really fits my body well, back in high school, its what I put on if there are any special occasions. I remember feeling drop-dead gorgeous in it. So i went to try it on and see if there's anyway I could feel the same intensity as I used to. Much to my surprise, it didn't fit. Not anymore. Poor me, I've forgotten how much pounds I've gained over the years- the gelatinous belly courtesy of hardcore beer drinking, the enlarged biceps and the bigger thighs. Quite a surprise that I've gone fatter. Cause I've always been thin. Apparently, I didn't feel anyway good as I was looking in the mirror but it sure was nostalgic. I've grown. Bigger and bigger everytime. Continuing through, I saw my favourite pair of pants. The pants that I've worn for one straight week without washing. Sounds disgusting but I just love wearing them. It fits perfectly back then, but as I went to try it on, things got worse, and I just couldn't slip my legs on it. It’s amazing how the past can let you remember who used to be. And if I were to judge the way I dress up before I'd give myself a flat three. It’s awful. Really awful. Nevertheless, it was alot of fun.

Just when i was about to call the cleaning thing over, I saw a shoe box just peaking at the top of my cabinet. I went to get it and I was flabbergasted. Letters from friends, barkada pictures of high school and all the memorabilia given to me by my great friends. I haven't seen those in years; I've even forgotten I have them. I have to read it. I have to see it again at least. So I opened every single letter and begun reading it. Some are funny and hilarious and some are just heartfelt. A bit teary-eyed I was, when I opened the letter that my great friend has given to me after a long yet silent dispute that we had. It was poignant. That dispute was the biggest turnover of my high school life. And to actually read that letter again, it brought me back to that emotional time where I was sitting on the teacher's table and my great friend approached me and talked to me about our misunderstanding. I don't owe anyone an explanation, but at that time, I feel vulnerable and just want to explode. And I don't regret having that moment with her despite the so much attention that we had because literally we are at the center of the classroom. Good thing there was no class that day cause of some program running. I guess that moment defined or introduced her as someone that I could be with for the res of my life. We're still great friends. And we are now building dreams together as friends and there's nothing like sharing the biggest dreams that you have with your friends.

As I lay my head on the bed after the vigorous cleaning that I just did, I came to think that its so amazing how you could look back into your old self and recollect. I never thought I was a bad dresser neither have I thought that I was such a good friend back in high school. That closet, defined who I used to be and how I expressed myself in all those years. Amazing how it fits all there. And the shoebox, which defined who I am as a friend back then and could it get anymore amazing how all the years I’ve been a friend to someone could fit there? Life is indeed a pasture of wonders and mysteries.