SAIL ON. GO ON.


I've said it. Its here now. And there's no going back. I've dragged my boat off the shore, and start sailing on the calm sea that's full of mere mysteries and uncertainties.

I chose to dwell on on this journey rather than than letting time pass me by until I get to where I wan to be. The whole situation is quite vivid, but not as vivid as I would want to see it. My heart has spoken and it has shattered all the fears I've had for the past times. I feel stronger. I feel invincible and I feel good. I am happy. Finally, I've found more reason to be happy.


A man with a non-juvenile mind and a very innocent heart. That' how I always refer to myself. My heart is fragile. My heart is sensitive. Every person's heart is. Yesterdays were rough. I've agonized worse than I could possibly bear. But today is different. I feel different. I see nothing else but the genuine joy in my heart. I feel liberated and I feel enticed by all the love I feel.

Every sound is a music that serenades my soul, every flower blooms like it's spring time and every sunrise rises to grace new mornings. I finally took this risk.

The journey had begun, the sea seems calm for now, but I know it won't be soon. Nevertheless, I am happy I took sail to get beyond that horizon. I am finally reviving the lost serenity of my innocent heart.

KAIBIGAN


ISANG GABING NATANGGAP KO ANG EMAIL NG KAIBIGAN KO. Hindi ko inaasahang mapagaan noon ang loob ko.

Madalas kaming mag-email ni Deng. Isang kaibigan mula pa nung hi-school.

Sa email ko sa kanya, nakisimpatiya ako sa kanya sa mga nangyayari sa buhay niya. TWIN SOUL talaga kami. Pareho kaming dalawa, may mga sentimiyentng hindi maintindihan kahit ng mga sarili namin.

Sinabi ko kay deng ang isang malaking problemang hinaharap ko--- ang sarili ko.

Sa haba ng email namin sa isa't isa, isang bagay lang ang kinailngan kong marinig mula sa kanya.



" Sana magkausap na tayo in person. Abot dito ung kalungkutan mo at frustration sa kalagayan mo. Hindi ko alam kung paano ka i-comfort. Sana sapat nang malaman mo na nandito lang ako."

I've never needed a savior, I've always needed someone na makakasama ko sa pagharap sa mga di maintindihang sitwasyon sa buhay ko.

MARAMING MARAMING SALAMAT DENG...

WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING


In the stillness of that night,
where silence speaks louder than my mind,
I see a glimpse of what I used to have.
And I see it there in your face, while you were sleeping.

Time ticks, yet I remained still.
glazing upon your shut eyes,
listening to your every breath
and smiling on that moment.

Then my eyes wandered down your hand,
and there's mine locked in your palm.
I feel a feeling of what I used to have.
A mere bliss, and its all there is.

I stayed awhile and let myself speak,
through my mind I uttered my words.
With you asleep and I, awake.
I've said everything while you were sleeping.

I moved closer to feel your warmth,
leaned my head upon your arms.
And slowly I closed my eyes,
and wished that there be more nights to watch you sleeping.

Got nothing to do.

Feeling bored.

Feeling super-duper bored.

Unemployed up to this point.

Loving the tambay life.

Gaining pounds after pounds.

Wow.

Where's dignity in this life?

hahaha!

-TIME TO LET GO-

I hear nothing but silence in the middle of this night. Again and again, I sit in front of this computer trying to figure out what to post in this blog. Yes, its quite a challenge to squeeze out what I really want to say sometimes. Feelings could be so overwhelming that there are just no words to describe it.

Yesterday, I was dragged into another epiphany. Reality could hit you really hard sometimes when you least expect it. And in just a snap, the roads are turned. Simple situations could often lead into a huge decision-making position. And it demands abruptness that you get too pressured. But what really surprises me is that it was easier for me to weigh all the odds and its all evident. Guess all this time, I've had the real answers that I have been looking for, I only refuse to sink it in.

YOU CAN LIE TO YOURSELF, BUT YOU CAN NEVER MAKE YOURSELF BELIEVE THAT LIE. Yes! Finally, I've learned the lesson of the situation that I've been dealing for the past couple of months. All the signs were given, and all I had to do was to translate on it but I chose not to, because I preferred to dwell on the mere lies that subconsciously, I was pushing myself to believe in. And all that's coming to me now are the wasted times that I threw. I held on for this for so long, so long that I did not realize that my life had stopped. I drowned in this deception and now I'm catching breath to fill me in again. Had i known that there's no valid for holding on, I wouldn't have taken the first grip at all. Its pointless after all.

And now I'm letting it all go. Come what may from loosing this grip. I guess its about time that I put some directions in this vague aspect of my life. The inevitable truth always lives. And it will always prevail at the end of everyday.

-RECOLLECTION 2-


The moon peaks out tonight and I can't help but dwell on the loneliness of the night. An endless puffing of cigarettes. with a pinch of pain from failed goals, distorted thoughts and wishful dreaming, I guess this is indeed one poignant evening.

Lately, I've been drowning in my dreams. Dreams that are elusive and most probably can't come true. They elude my daily thoughts. Its too sweet for an innocent taste yet so hurtful for an overly-exeperienced heart. They entice the momentum of every rushing thought and I sit all the time indulging myself with its great deception. An as time ticks, the further I walk and yet again get lost in the wilderness of my rumbled mind.

I spent the last several minutes trying to get into every deatil on where have i gone wrong, where I must have committed a mistake and where have i been overlooking things. As expected, after tons of gruelling minutes, I still couldn't seem to figure out the right answers that I was looking for. I don't need any precision for now, I just need at least something that I could hold on to, I need a reason why I keep doing the same thing over and over again and more imporatantly why I keep failing at it. I play this game so well, at least thats how i see myself. But the scoreboards never lie and they tell me the brutal honesty that I am such a lowlife-looser. Three to zero. That's what it says. And night after night, even if there's an absolute absence of the moon, I find myself caught in the failures' lane. This game is a harsh game. No rules are set and no boundaries are built. You set your own rules and distinguish you own boundaries... which is pretty hard for someone like me-- a person who loves breaking rules now dying to make one for himself. So ironic. Though the victory for now seems less-vivid than ever, I take time to learn at least the heres and gos of this situatiuon. Imagine a kid trying to fit himself in a well-rounded world of perfection. Thats the impossibility I'm trying to interconnect somehow. Seriously, there's no possible way I could this. Im not brave enough to take the risk, even if I am, I am afraid I have the warrior's stamina to withstand the consequence that I might face.

And there goes the moon. Dancing with the stars in the darkness of that dancefloor. I wish everything is as easy as the changing of night to day and day to night. Though a lot of things has to happen first before a day turns into night at least everything is subtle and non-noticeable.

RECOLLECTION



Three-week old sheets and an awful-smelling pillow covers, I was dragged into an epiphany that maybe, just maybe, I have to clean up my room. But somehow, I can't seem to find the energy to get myself working. I know its going to be a lot of work. But I have to, I'd be gone for three days and I wouldn't want roaches and crawling insects to be welcoming me when I get home. After all, it’s my room, my one and only haven in the world.

As I raid through my closet, I saw lots of old clothes that I used to wear. I remember some of them being my favorites and some just didn't make the cut. I thought of giving them away but somehow I don't feel like doing so. I felt like those clothes defined some aspects of me way back in the days where all I know is to dress up and cover up myself. I saw my favorite polo, the one that really fits my body well, back in high school, its what I put on if there are any special occasions. I remember feeling drop-dead gorgeous in it. So i went to try it on and see if there's anyway I could feel the same intensity as I used to. Much to my surprise, it didn't fit. Not anymore. Poor me, I've forgotten how much pounds I've gained over the years- the gelatinous belly courtesy of hardcore beer drinking, the enlarged biceps and the bigger thighs. Quite a surprise that I've gone fatter. Cause I've always been thin. Apparently, I didn't feel anyway good as I was looking in the mirror but it sure was nostalgic. I've grown. Bigger and bigger everytime. Continuing through, I saw my favourite pair of pants. The pants that I've worn for one straight week without washing. Sounds disgusting but I just love wearing them. It fits perfectly back then, but as I went to try it on, things got worse, and I just couldn't slip my legs on it. It’s amazing how the past can let you remember who used to be. And if I were to judge the way I dress up before I'd give myself a flat three. It’s awful. Really awful. Nevertheless, it was alot of fun.

Just when i was about to call the cleaning thing over, I saw a shoe box just peaking at the top of my cabinet. I went to get it and I was flabbergasted. Letters from friends, barkada pictures of high school and all the memorabilia given to me by my great friends. I haven't seen those in years; I've even forgotten I have them. I have to read it. I have to see it again at least. So I opened every single letter and begun reading it. Some are funny and hilarious and some are just heartfelt. A bit teary-eyed I was, when I opened the letter that my great friend has given to me after a long yet silent dispute that we had. It was poignant. That dispute was the biggest turnover of my high school life. And to actually read that letter again, it brought me back to that emotional time where I was sitting on the teacher's table and my great friend approached me and talked to me about our misunderstanding. I don't owe anyone an explanation, but at that time, I feel vulnerable and just want to explode. And I don't regret having that moment with her despite the so much attention that we had because literally we are at the center of the classroom. Good thing there was no class that day cause of some program running. I guess that moment defined or introduced her as someone that I could be with for the res of my life. We're still great friends. And we are now building dreams together as friends and there's nothing like sharing the biggest dreams that you have with your friends.

As I lay my head on the bed after the vigorous cleaning that I just did, I came to think that its so amazing how you could look back into your old self and recollect. I never thought I was a bad dresser neither have I thought that I was such a good friend back in high school. That closet, defined who I used to be and how I expressed myself in all those years. Amazing how it fits all there. And the shoebox, which defined who I am as a friend back then and could it get anymore amazing how all the years I’ve been a friend to someone could fit there? Life is indeed a pasture of wonders and mysteries.