-RECOLLECTION 2-


The moon peaks out tonight and I can't help but dwell on the loneliness of the night. An endless puffing of cigarettes. with a pinch of pain from failed goals, distorted thoughts and wishful dreaming, I guess this is indeed one poignant evening.

Lately, I've been drowning in my dreams. Dreams that are elusive and most probably can't come true. They elude my daily thoughts. Its too sweet for an innocent taste yet so hurtful for an overly-exeperienced heart. They entice the momentum of every rushing thought and I sit all the time indulging myself with its great deception. An as time ticks, the further I walk and yet again get lost in the wilderness of my rumbled mind.

I spent the last several minutes trying to get into every deatil on where have i gone wrong, where I must have committed a mistake and where have i been overlooking things. As expected, after tons of gruelling minutes, I still couldn't seem to figure out the right answers that I was looking for. I don't need any precision for now, I just need at least something that I could hold on to, I need a reason why I keep doing the same thing over and over again and more imporatantly why I keep failing at it. I play this game so well, at least thats how i see myself. But the scoreboards never lie and they tell me the brutal honesty that I am such a lowlife-looser. Three to zero. That's what it says. And night after night, even if there's an absolute absence of the moon, I find myself caught in the failures' lane. This game is a harsh game. No rules are set and no boundaries are built. You set your own rules and distinguish you own boundaries... which is pretty hard for someone like me-- a person who loves breaking rules now dying to make one for himself. So ironic. Though the victory for now seems less-vivid than ever, I take time to learn at least the heres and gos of this situatiuon. Imagine a kid trying to fit himself in a well-rounded world of perfection. Thats the impossibility I'm trying to interconnect somehow. Seriously, there's no possible way I could this. Im not brave enough to take the risk, even if I am, I am afraid I have the warrior's stamina to withstand the consequence that I might face.

And there goes the moon. Dancing with the stars in the darkness of that dancefloor. I wish everything is as easy as the changing of night to day and day to night. Though a lot of things has to happen first before a day turns into night at least everything is subtle and non-noticeable.

RECOLLECTION



Three-week old sheets and an awful-smelling pillow covers, I was dragged into an epiphany that maybe, just maybe, I have to clean up my room. But somehow, I can't seem to find the energy to get myself working. I know its going to be a lot of work. But I have to, I'd be gone for three days and I wouldn't want roaches and crawling insects to be welcoming me when I get home. After all, it’s my room, my one and only haven in the world.

As I raid through my closet, I saw lots of old clothes that I used to wear. I remember some of them being my favorites and some just didn't make the cut. I thought of giving them away but somehow I don't feel like doing so. I felt like those clothes defined some aspects of me way back in the days where all I know is to dress up and cover up myself. I saw my favorite polo, the one that really fits my body well, back in high school, its what I put on if there are any special occasions. I remember feeling drop-dead gorgeous in it. So i went to try it on and see if there's anyway I could feel the same intensity as I used to. Much to my surprise, it didn't fit. Not anymore. Poor me, I've forgotten how much pounds I've gained over the years- the gelatinous belly courtesy of hardcore beer drinking, the enlarged biceps and the bigger thighs. Quite a surprise that I've gone fatter. Cause I've always been thin. Apparently, I didn't feel anyway good as I was looking in the mirror but it sure was nostalgic. I've grown. Bigger and bigger everytime. Continuing through, I saw my favourite pair of pants. The pants that I've worn for one straight week without washing. Sounds disgusting but I just love wearing them. It fits perfectly back then, but as I went to try it on, things got worse, and I just couldn't slip my legs on it. It’s amazing how the past can let you remember who used to be. And if I were to judge the way I dress up before I'd give myself a flat three. It’s awful. Really awful. Nevertheless, it was alot of fun.

Just when i was about to call the cleaning thing over, I saw a shoe box just peaking at the top of my cabinet. I went to get it and I was flabbergasted. Letters from friends, barkada pictures of high school and all the memorabilia given to me by my great friends. I haven't seen those in years; I've even forgotten I have them. I have to read it. I have to see it again at least. So I opened every single letter and begun reading it. Some are funny and hilarious and some are just heartfelt. A bit teary-eyed I was, when I opened the letter that my great friend has given to me after a long yet silent dispute that we had. It was poignant. That dispute was the biggest turnover of my high school life. And to actually read that letter again, it brought me back to that emotional time where I was sitting on the teacher's table and my great friend approached me and talked to me about our misunderstanding. I don't owe anyone an explanation, but at that time, I feel vulnerable and just want to explode. And I don't regret having that moment with her despite the so much attention that we had because literally we are at the center of the classroom. Good thing there was no class that day cause of some program running. I guess that moment defined or introduced her as someone that I could be with for the res of my life. We're still great friends. And we are now building dreams together as friends and there's nothing like sharing the biggest dreams that you have with your friends.

As I lay my head on the bed after the vigorous cleaning that I just did, I came to think that its so amazing how you could look back into your old self and recollect. I never thought I was a bad dresser neither have I thought that I was such a good friend back in high school. That closet, defined who I used to be and how I expressed myself in all those years. Amazing how it fits all there. And the shoebox, which defined who I am as a friend back then and could it get anymore amazing how all the years I’ve been a friend to someone could fit there? Life is indeed a pasture of wonders and mysteries.

-HAUNTED-



During summer days, no matter how calm the seas are in the morning, it gets aggressive when the night falls. Relentless. Disturbing. Just when eveyrthing is dark and you couldn't see anything, it rumbles hard on the shore. Nevertheless, the sound of it is a harmony.

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I've taken a step forward, just a step forward. When I was about to take the second step, something held my foot from doing so. And its all I had to see to refarin from moving away, stay for a while and try to figure things out more vividly.

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I've lived in dark shadows, where I held on to nothing but the hope, that maybe, just maybe, someone would rescue me. But it didn't happen. For I have not shown the world how agonizing the confusion in me. Yet I stood in the middle of that darkness, took all th bravery I could get and started walking towards an unknown direction. And after a few tears, scars and bleeding wounds... I have finally come to the light. And now that I am here. Why does the past embraces me with enthusiasm? A past that put me in that shadow. A past that I should not cling on to. But I want to stay, atleast for a while. Atleast for now.





Have I really gotten out of the darkness?


Could this be the recue that I was looking for?


Does the light that I am in right now is blinding me?


Again?


Have i become an escapist?

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In the coolness of summer nights, where waves are mad and wiping sand after sand on the shore, its sound brings music to my ears. Shouting. Bellowing. I'd listen to this sound for a while. Its here to tell me something. Its here to tell me something. Its here to show me something.

-I LOVE HORIZONS-



I love horizons.

It reminds me about the endless journey I'm bound to take on.
The endless learning I'm supposed to listen to.
And the endless failure that scars my heart.

Its where the beginning and the end of the day meet.
Its where heaven and the earth hold hands.
And its where the rainbow looks at its best.

Its where my eyes rests every time.
My hearts at peace and spirit just glows when I see it.
Time flies evidently at its face.
Its where every dreamer should celebrate victory.

I love horizons.
I love that every time I get there, I see better pastures when i look beyond.
And it tickles my feet, and urges me to walk through.

I love horizons.

-NOT A POEM-


I thought I'd be over this...
But I'm afraid I haven't really figured out which way out.
Or is there even any other way out?

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Too late for my fantasies...
I've confessed a reality that I need to bang my head with.
But is this gonna work if things are really meant to happen?

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As I look beyond the agony in this,
I see a spot of happiness where my heart would want to rest.
I guess by now it's all that matters.

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I'm happy with this.
It makes me smile.
I've become the master dreamer because of this.

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I'm in love.
Its how I want to think things out.
I'm in love.

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