sacred pasture

RECOLLECTION



Three-week old sheets and an awful-smelling pillow covers, I was dragged into an epiphany that maybe, just maybe, I have to clean up my room. But somehow, I can't seem to find the energy to get myself working. I know its going to be a lot of work. But I have to, I'd be gone for three days and I wouldn't want roaches and crawling insects to be welcoming me when I get home. After all, it’s my room, my one and only haven in the world.

As I raid through my closet, I saw lots of old clothes that I used to wear. I remember some of them being my favorites and some just didn't make the cut. I thought of giving them away but somehow I don't feel like doing so. I felt like those clothes defined some aspects of me way back in the days where all I know is to dress up and cover up myself. I saw my favorite polo, the one that really fits my body well, back in high school, its what I put on if there are any special occasions. I remember feeling drop-dead gorgeous in it. So i went to try it on and see if there's anyway I could feel the same intensity as I used to. Much to my surprise, it didn't fit. Not anymore. Poor me, I've forgotten how much pounds I've gained over the years- the gelatinous belly courtesy of hardcore beer drinking, the enlarged biceps and the bigger thighs. Quite a surprise that I've gone fatter. Cause I've always been thin. Apparently, I didn't feel anyway good as I was looking in the mirror but it sure was nostalgic. I've grown. Bigger and bigger everytime. Continuing through, I saw my favourite pair of pants. The pants that I've worn for one straight week without washing. Sounds disgusting but I just love wearing them. It fits perfectly back then, but as I went to try it on, things got worse, and I just couldn't slip my legs on it. It’s amazing how the past can let you remember who used to be. And if I were to judge the way I dress up before I'd give myself a flat three. It’s awful. Really awful. Nevertheless, it was alot of fun.

Just when i was about to call the cleaning thing over, I saw a shoe box just peaking at the top of my cabinet. I went to get it and I was flabbergasted. Letters from friends, barkada pictures of high school and all the memorabilia given to me by my great friends. I haven't seen those in years; I've even forgotten I have them. I have to read it. I have to see it again at least. So I opened every single letter and begun reading it. Some are funny and hilarious and some are just heartfelt. A bit teary-eyed I was, when I opened the letter that my great friend has given to me after a long yet silent dispute that we had. It was poignant. That dispute was the biggest turnover of my high school life. And to actually read that letter again, it brought me back to that emotional time where I was sitting on the teacher's table and my great friend approached me and talked to me about our misunderstanding. I don't owe anyone an explanation, but at that time, I feel vulnerable and just want to explode. And I don't regret having that moment with her despite the so much attention that we had because literally we are at the center of the classroom. Good thing there was no class that day cause of some program running. I guess that moment defined or introduced her as someone that I could be with for the res of my life. We're still great friends. And we are now building dreams together as friends and there's nothing like sharing the biggest dreams that you have with your friends.

As I lay my head on the bed after the vigorous cleaning that I just did, I came to think that its so amazing how you could look back into your old self and recollect. I never thought I was a bad dresser neither have I thought that I was such a good friend back in high school. That closet, defined who I used to be and how I expressed myself in all those years. Amazing how it fits all there. And the shoebox, which defined who I am as a friend back then and could it get anymore amazing how all the years I’ve been a friend to someone could fit there? Life is indeed a pasture of wonders and mysteries.